This Week’s Biggest Gainers

1 Barack Obama
The newly minted President of the United States received acclaim for his immediate action to close Gitmo and ban torture.

2 George Ryan
The imprisoned ex-governor was nominated (again) for the Nobel Peace Prize.

3 Tina Fey
More accolades for her work on “30 Rock,” this time from the Screen Actors Guild.

4 Michael Shannon
The longtime Chicagoan and thespian at A Red Orchid Theatre was nominated for an Oscar for his work in “Revolutionary Road.”

5 Rod Blagojevich
Was given the chance to plead his case on shows “Good Morning America” and “The View,” but…

This Week’s Biggest Losers

1 Rod Blagojevich
…completely flubbed it when he compared himself to Gandhi and Martin Luther King, Jr.

2 Chicago Police Department
A 14-year-old kid reported for duty as a police officer at a South Side station and, before he was discovered, even answered some distress calls.

3 William Cozzi
The police officer pleaded guilty to charges that he excessively beat a wheelchair-bound man.

4 Jay Mariotti
“Roger Ebert can kiss my ass,” says Jay the Joke.

5 Kanye West
Had to publicly reject reports that he made statements indicating he’s willing to perform in bisexual porn scenes.