This Week’s Biggest Gainers

1 Tim Tuten
The Hideout co-owner—who worked tirelessly to get Obama elected—was hired to work for Secretary of Education Arne Duncan in D.C.

2 Kevin Gregg
Sweet Lou shocked some when he announced the new Cub would be the team’s closer.

3 Amy Jacobson
The former NBC journalist—of Craig Stebic and bikini fame—found a new gig as Roe Conn’s co-host on WLS-AM.

4 Kevin Shaffer
Welcome, new Bears offensive tackle. Please don’t let Orton get killed.

5 Nicholas Calabrese
Almost everyone is up in arms, but the former mob hit man only received a twelve-year prison sentence for his part in the murders of fourteen people.

This Week’s Biggest Losers

1 Sun-Times Media Group
Officially filed for bankruptcy.

2 Mayor Daley
It was reported that the mayor has taken more than forty trips in the last two years, nineteen of them paid for by us lowly, lowly taxpayers.

3 This item has been removed after its subject contested its accuracy, which was based on reports in other local media. We are investigating and will restore it if proven accurate.

4 Mark Elliot Mansheim
The Winnetka man was arrested for growing marijuana out of his home after authorities discovered seventy-five plants, plus growing tents equipped with ventilation systems.

5 Carlos Marmol
The Cubs, er, setup man lost the closer position to Kevin Gregg.