This Week’s Biggest Gainers

1 Barack Obama
Officially nominated Sonia Sotomayor as Supreme Court Justice, who, if approved, will be the first Hispanic member of the high court.

2 John Paxson
The Bulls general manager was promoted to Executive VP of Basketball Operations.

3 Gar Forman
Say hello to the Bulls new general manager.

4 Erich “Mancow” Mueller
The right-wing radio man submitted himself to waterboarding, lasting six seconds and declaring it “torture”; in response MSNBC’s Keith Olbermann made a donation to charity.

5 Jim Thome
The White Sox player slugged his 549^th career homerun, moving him past Mike Schmidt and into thirteenth place on the all-time list.
This Week’s Biggest Losers

1 Drew Peterson
Was denied his request to reduce the bail, plus prosecutors alluded to the possibility that he had tried to hire a hitman to kill Kathleen Savio.

2 Joel Quenneville
As of press time, the Blackhawks were down 3-1 in the series with the Red Wings, and the coach was fined $10,000 for railing on the refs.

3 Jennifer Espinosa
The Maine East teacher was charged with having an eight-month affair with an underage former student.

4 Lou Piniella
As of press time, Sweet Lou’s Cubs had lost eight in a row and dropped below .500.

5 Kenny Williams
The Sox GM seemingly pulled off a trade to acquire Padres ace pitcher Jake Peavy, until Peavy vetoed the deal. Ouch.