Amongst slightly creaky hardwood floors and below rotating fans from protruding circles on the ceiling, an audience gathers in the Logan Square Auditorium with beers in hand to view a sexy spectacle. The 2009 Air Sex World Championships are about to take place, and viewers prepare for a sight that many of them have never seen before-think an air-guitar contest, but different.
The competition starts. Seven contestants, all ready and willing to show their best O-faces on stage in front of a crowd of strangers to songs of their choosing. First: Long John Silver. He moves slowly and sweetly, but is just as short as he is sweet. Second comes Vaughn Quee-Quee, who seduces an imaginary woman three times his size. He begins by tossing his aviators to the floor and ends with a peace sign to the audience. “I’ve been practicing my whole life for this,” he tells the us as he leaves the stage. Jade is third, and he climbs his way into his woman and starts swimming, telling the audience later that his song of choice had been “Under the Sea” from “The Little Mermaid,” even though the DJ had played something else by accident. “The uterus is the origin of our existence, and sometimes you just wanna get back in it,” he says of his swimming. Crunchy McVibe, feigning inebriation, undresses all the way to his boxers. Curvy Shaft starts with a cigarette and relaxes as his partner does all the work. Pair of Jugs, the first female contestant, makes do with a small member and awkwardly gyrates to the theme song from “Full House.” Dr. Leonard McCoy wraps up the first round with a perfectly choreographed routine in a green one-piece jumpsuit.
After a round of finalists, Crunchy McVibe is deemed winner by the audience. Apparently, being fake-drunk helps. (Micah McCrary)
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