This Week’s Biggest Gainers

1 Ozzie Guillen
The Sox skipper won the weekend series against crosstown rival Cubs.

2 Thomas Byrne
Mayor Daley anointed the current city transportation commissioner to head the streets and sanitation department.

3 John Danks, Scott Linebrink
The Sox slingers paired up to blank the Cubs 6-0 in last weekend’s series finale.

4 James Johnson, Taj Gibson
Say hi to the new Bulls, fresh from the NBA draft.

5 Grant Achatz
The Alinea chef inked a publishing deal for his new memoir, titled “Life on the Line,” with Gotham Books.

This Week’s Biggest Losers

1 Mayor Daley
There were six separate shooting murders in Chicago over a twenty-four-hour period last weekend.

2 Lou Piniella
The Cubs lost to Ozzie’s crew, and Sweet Lou took some heat for his indifferent attitude as of late to the Cubs season.

3 Milton Bradley
The Cubs outfielder was sent home early by his manager after a dugout temper-tantrum.

4 Roland Burris
The Senator voiced his support of civil unions at last weekend’s Pride Parade…but stopped short of supporting gay marriage.

5 Geovany Soto
The underachieving Cubs catcher reportedly tested positive for marijuana use during the World Baseball Classic.