This Week’s Biggest Gainers

1 Michael Smith
The Chicago policeman and Daley security guard apprehended an escaped murderer outside the mayor’s Michigan vacation home.

2 Stan Bowman
Was promoted to general manager of the Blackhawks.

3 Ted Lilly
The Cubs All-Star pitcher notched his one-hundreth career win.

4 Noberto Ray
The Lincoln Square Wendy’s employee received praise after coming to the aid of an elderly man being mugged in the restaurant’s bathroom.

5 Bartolo Colon
After a brief AWOL stint, the Sox pitcher emerged and threw a great game for the AAA Charlotte team.

This Week’s Biggest Losers

1 Carolyn Towns
The manager of the Burr Oak Cemetery in Alsip was arrested for allegedly tampering with up to three hundred graves.

2 Keith Nicks, Terrence Nicks, Maurice Dailey
The three Burr Oak gravediggers were arrested in affiliation with the tampering as well.

3 Dale Tallon
The Blackhawks general manager was fired.

4 Omhari Sengstacke
Was sentenced to five years in prison after being caught carrying a weapon outside the Hyde Park home of President Barack Obama.

5 Mayor Daley
The Independent Voters of Illinois-Independent Precinct Organizations board decided not to endorse Chicago’s bid for the 2016 Olympics.