This Week’s Biggest Gainers

1 Ricketts Family
Their deal to buy the Cubs was finalized and now waits MLB and goat approval.

2 Jay Cutler
The Bears “savior” emerged triumphant in the preseason game against the Giants, boasting a 117.8 quarterback rating.

3 Lovie Smith
Lovie’s Bears breezed past the Giants, 17-3.

4 Rick Bayless
The local celebrity chef won the “Top Chef Masters” challenge, banking $100,000 for charity.

5 Eddie Vedder
The Evanston-bred crooner returned home with his band Pearl Jam and played two sold-out nights at United Center, both getting glowing reviews from the media.

This Week’s Biggest Losers

1 Mayor Daley
At press time, the Sun-Times was reporting the mayor was set to hold a press conference and admit the city’s parking-meter deal was a mistake.

2 Dusty Dvoracek
The Bears defensive tackle tore his ACL in the preseason game against the Giants; he’ll most likely miss the entire season.

3 Lou Piniella
Sweet Lou said he’ll be back next year; meanwhile, continued slumping finds the team, at press time, eight games behind the Cardinals.

4 Dushon Brown
The principal of Gwendolyn Brooks College Prep was suspended for renting out the facility without the permission from the local school council.

5 Barack Obama
Took much heat from the right for taking a vacation during the inflamed healthcare debates.