This Week’s Biggest Gainers

1 Julius Peppers
How do we love thee? Let our sportswriters count the ways.

2 David Schwimmer
Strong notices at Lookingglass might just rewrite your rep as a sitcom dinosaur, but only if you de-”Friends” Billy Dec first.

3 Richard Roeper
Congrats on the WLS-Radio Conn job. We were, in fact, feeling a bit underexposed to you.

4 Rod Blagojevich
You, The Donald, his hair, your hair. We’re watching “Celebrity Apprentice” in mute mode and adding a laugh track.

5 Anton Valukas
Nice work unearthing the dubious dealings that fueled the collapse of Lehman Brothers. Are you sure Goldman Sachs wasn’t near the grassy knoll?

This Week’s Biggest Losers

1 Patrick Quinn
Springfield’s bad news bearer pimped tax increases and spending cuts; not exactly the path to Mr. Popularity in an election year.

2 Rahm Emanuel
The punditocracy just can’t shake the image of you playing “hardball” with Eric Massa in the shower.

3 Betty Burden
Even if you did hear them singing “99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall” on your bus, you should have dropped the kids off before taking a few down.

4 Alexi Giannoulias
Really, what did you expect when your Broadway Bank did business with a restaurant chain named after a jewel thief, Boston Blackie?

5 Randy Michaels
Why shouldn’t the Trib CEO issue a list of 119 words and phrases banned from his airwaves? Except we did not see “bankrupt newspaper” or “wackadoodle media boss” on the list.