This Week’s Biggest Gainers

1 Barack Obama
You got your health care and you didn’t even have to shave Henry Waxman’s moustache. Nice.

2 Bonnie Hunt
You may be losing your TV money, but you’ll always have your fans. Feel better now?

3 Susan Garrett
Top contender to be Governor Quinn’s running mate in the lieutenant governor slot? Wait, shouldn’t you be on the losers list?

4 Oney Guillen
Ozzie has kids? Our guess: the sister’s named Twoey.

5 Rahm Emanuel
Not only did Rahmbo make like Rocky in crushing it with health care, but he kept his pants on the whole time!

This Week’s Biggest Losers

1 Dan Lipinski
How does it feel to be on the wrong side of history? No worries, another forty years or so in Congress and you might get another chance for a vote like this.

2 Calvin Boender
Who ‘da thunk it a crime to drop $38k fixing up Alderman Ike Carothers’ home? Man needed some air conditioning and nothing wrong with being neighborly, right? And some paint. And…

3 Michael David Barrett
Twenty-seven months for peep-taping Erin Andrews? The good news is you’ll see a lifetime’s worth of nude bodies in the slammer. The bad news? Well…

4 Ken Williams
Now you’re sparring with two Guillens? We’ll stick with a pack of rabid dogs, thanks.

5 Charlie Trotter
Leaving Las Vegas? It was a gaudy neon street, anyhow. Buncha foie gras eaters, we hear.