This Week’s Biggest Gainers

1 Sheila Simon
The upside? Who remembered Paul Simon had a daughter? The downside? If you win the race for lieutentant governor, back to obscurity.

2 Mary Higgins Clark
Sure, you’ve sold 80 million books, but with a CBOE seat you can start making real money.

3 Frank Calabrese Sr.
Cops find a thousand pieces of jewelry and $730,000 in your hit-man home. Who says crime don’t pay?

4 Michael Madigan and John Cullerton
You boys in Springfield snuck through a pension-reform teaser after all. Who knew?

5 John Cusack
The good news? Your throwback “Hot Tub Time Machine” opened to reasonably good notices. The bad news? The box office got stuck in the eighties, too.

This Week’s Biggest Losers

1 Kevin Long
NRA types said the 1,600 knives at your home might just be a collection, like Precious Moments or something. Sure, and the cops with targets by their names? Probably just doodling, right?

2 Rod Blagojevich
State House to ex-Guv:  Buy your own fucking golden painting for the Hall of Governors.

3 Michael Cullen
Bank to legendary Chicago theater producer suffering debilitating illness? You’re foreclosed!

4 Susan Garrett
You lost your shot at lieutentant governor without the pleasure of steroids and hookers.

5 Jay C. Nolan
Accused of cheating investors in a Ponzi-style scheme involving about $4 million? Dude, that’s not even pocket change for Bernie Madoff.