This Week’s Biggest Gainers

1 John Paul Stevens
Justice, served.

2 Wojciech Seweryn
You honored your father with the ultimate homage.

3 Oprah Winfrey
Wow, a primetime TV show. Sure you’re ready for it, Ms. O?

4 Oliver Purnell
Your turn to keep the Blue Demons from turning red, coach.

5 Mike Sheerin
Another Kahan job: the Blackbird chef de cuisine made Food & Wine’s list of America’s ten best new chefs.

This Week’s Biggest Losers:

1 Scottie Pippen
Sheesh, even on your day in the Hall of Fame, all they want to talk about is that Michael guy.

2 Betty Loren-Maltese
We always thought all you were missing was an apron, chewing gum and an order pad.

3 Jody Weis
Didn’t someone tell the criminals not to play with guns around a press conference?

4 Ozzie Guillen
One week into the season, and the only active wood’s in the men’s room.

5 Dr. Oz
Here’s a dose of media medicine: with Oprah leaving, you’re the next best target till she returns.