This week’s biggest gainers:

1 Rahm Emanuel
Oh come, oh come, Emanuel; And ransom captive Chicago.

2 Maggie Daley
If only a namesake Northwestern hospital wing might ease just a bit of your cancer pain.

3 Antti Niemi
Nashville couldn’t even get a twang past your goal in the second game of the Blackhawks’ postseason.

4 Tom Ricketts
Dude, you own the Cubs! We get it. Now pinch yourself and go win some games, will ya?

5 Da Bulls
Your reward for squeaking into the playoffs? Lebron.

This week’s biggest losers:

1 Vinny Del Negro
Your Lebronomy is turning you into a zombie.

2 John Paxson
Look, we don’t love Del Negro’s ties either, but you don’t see us physically attacking them,  do you?

3 Garritt Cullerton
Those DUI allegations sting extra hard when dad’s the state senate prez who’s pushed for stronger drunk-driving laws.

4 Oprah Winfrey
Childhood abuse, lifelong battles with weight—we can take it all. But Kitty Kelley says you and John Tesh were an item? That’s too much.

5 Rod Blagojevich
Now we know why you wanted to suppress the court docs. “My fucking children”? Really? Not that we all don’t think it sometimes…