This Week’s Biggest Gainers:

1 Robert Blagojevich
Stand by your brother? We can respect that but…

2 Michael Jordan
“I know Michael Jordan. In fact, I am Michael Jordan. And you, LeBron, are no Michael Jordan.”

3 Alexi Giannoulias
Prez Obama coming to raise cash for the candidate; no word on whether it’s the result of a lost game of Horse.

4 Jim Houlihan
File under good timing: retiring Cook County Assessor publicly mulls mayoral challenge in wake of downer Daley poll.

5 Marlon Byrd
Cubs outfielder made key play in All-Star victory for NL; likely to be the highlight of the season for the hapless squad.

This Week’s Biggest Losers:

1 Robert Blagojevich
…that bit about horse trading? We know it’s been a while since you and Rod wore matching jumpsuits, but…

2 Jesse Jackson Jr.
Uh-oh. Robo Blago testified that your minion offered to make his bro the Six Million Dollar Man, at least in campaign funds, if you got the Barack seat.

3 Richard Daley
Who wants to be mayor? First the third cop since May gets murdered, then Trib/WGN poll says you’re more unpopular than ever, going into an election year.

4 Rod Blagojevich
The world patiently awaits your sage and measured trial testimony.

5 Tom Ricketts
Losing is expected as Cubs owner. But when Forbes practically calls you a chump for paying more than $2 million in payroll per victory, the worst in baseball, that’s gotta hurt.