This Week’s Biggest Gainers:

1
Lou Piniella
Retiring Cubs skipper “shocked” sports pundits when he departed early, choosing to spend time with his ailing elderly mother rather than presiding over the breakup of his team.

2
Robert Blagojevich
Though he too suffered a mistrial with his brother, consensus emerged that he was more loyal family man than cold-blooded political criminal.

3
Andrew Mason
Groupon honcho enjoyed a stellar week that included a Forbes claim that his startup is the fastest-growing company in history, followed by a Gap promotion that moved more jeans than Madonna and child.

4
Derrek Lee
The Cubs’ class act was traded to a team worthy of his skills and character: the first-place Atlanta Braves.

5
James Matsumoto
Mild-mannered video librarian and foreman of the Blago jury turned into Superman in subsequent press coverage.

This Week’s Biggest Losers:

1
Rod Blagojevich
Whee! Only just a little bit guilty! And now, back to television and selling autographs—$50 a pop—at Comic Con! Whee! Look, ma. No hands!

2
The Holdout Juror
Reviled by the media for her integrity and steadfastness of conscience when she forced a Rod Blagojevich mistrial.

3
Jerry Stermer
Sheesh. Just as we’re getting used to what looks to be the perpetual Blago the Clown Show, Governor Quinn’s chief of staff steps down in an ethics probe.

4
Randy Michaels
Trib CEO failed to add “bankruptcy negotiations have failed” to his banned-phrase list.

5
Ozzie Guillen
You knew that Jim Thome would come back to haunt you, didn’t you? But how do you explain the, um,  Royals?