This week’s biggest gainers:

1
Riccardo Muti
Chicago was all “Love, Italian Style” for the new CSO maestro.

2
Jay Cutler
Bears field general turned the once-mighty Cowboys into tenderfoots.

3
Mike Martz
It’s a Lovie-in: Two victories and the head-coach buzz is already starting for the Bears offensive coordinator.

4
Lois Weisberg
The city’s cultural czar expressed a distaste for privatizing Taste of Chicago; apparently she has no aversion to poking a mayoral lame duck.

5
Rick Santelli
Local CNBC commentator who inspired the Tea Party movement with an on-air rant managed to simultaneously bask in the glory of Glenn Beck and cronies coming to Hoffman Estates while washing his hands of all they do.

This week’s biggest losers:

1
Jesse Jackson Jr.
You just can’t wash that Blago slime off, can you? The harder you pull, the more it sticks.

2
Sami Samir Hassoun
Foiled in a Wrigleyville terrorist plot. Authorities not releasing sensitive information as to whether he is a Cubs or Sox fan.

3

Sandra Clanton
Thinking he was the Antichrist, the Elmhurst woman attacked her 9-month-old grandson with a kitchen knife. The child was unharmed; apparently you can’t damage the spawn of Satan.

4
Brian Kelly
New Notre Dame coach on bench, but Touchdown Jesus still in locker room, apparently.

5
Ozzie Guillen
We can stomach going out with a bang, but with a whimper?