This week’s biggest gainers:

1
Brian Urlacher
That’s a heavy load of Bear you’re carrying on your shoulders.

2
Caleb Hanie
Third-string QB came thisclose to a Hollywood ending.

3
Gery Chico
Thanks, judges.

4
Oprah Winfrey’s Secret Sister
Every woman’s fantasy came true for one.

5
Rahm Emanuel
Polls showed you pulling away in the mayor’s race but…

This week’s biggest losers:

1
Rahm Emanuel
You didn’t get the two votes that counted.

2
Jay Cutler
Um, Rex Grossman won his NFC title game for the Bears. Just saying.

3
Jon Burge
Now you’ll have four-and-a-half years of up-close-and-personal time to convince your fellow convicts that you didn’t really torture them.

4
Todd Collins
You had your shot to go out in a blaze of Bears glory but played like a Cub.

5
Lois Weisberg
Octogenarian cultural czar went down swinging (and we bet swearing, too).