This Week’s Biggest Gainers:

1
Brian Urlacher
Bears linebacker feasted on Falcon meat.

2
Superman
Look! Up in the Sky! It’s a movie star!

3
Lovie Smith
Proved critics wrong (again) when his Bears stuffed the Falcons in their season opener.

4
Dan Sinker
His book got a swift kickstart when the object of his, um, affection, Mayor Emanuel showed up at the launch event.

5
David Perry
The city mourned the Fenwick High leader, the most successful water polo coach in state history.

This Week’s Biggest Losers:

1
Rahm Emanuel
Reportedly unleashed a “fuck you” on teachers union leader Karen Lewis in a meeting. Must have been inspired by Dan Sinker’s book.

2
Richard Daley
Our poor ex-mayor-for-life just got his security detail cut in half, to three men.

3
Thomas J. Micucci
You were just sitting on the couch playing video games when a car crashed into your living room. When investigators discovered your pot farm, you were arrested, but your roommate fared worse: Zachary Isenberg died in the crash.

4
Janet Hardt
She fatally learned that hot beef oil is not a viable form of cosmetic surgery.

5
Ozzie Guillen
In spite of a championship-caliber team on paper, his White Sox are just about Adam Dunn.