This Week’s Biggest Gainers
1 178th Infantry of the National Guard
180 soldiers of the Illinois National Guard returned from Afghanistan and received heroes’ welcome at Soldier Field by a crowd that included Governor Quinn.
2 Kenny Williams
The Sox GM pulled off a trade for pitching ace Jake Peavy.
3 Jake Peavy
The ace was rescued from the lowly Padres by the competing White Sox…now get healthy!
4 Barack Obama
The president hosted a “beer summit” with professor Henry Louis Gates and police officer James Crowley that has cooled the situation…for now.
5 Jay Cutler
Football training camps have opened across the nation and prognosticators are acknowledging the new Bears quarterback as the off-season’s best pickup.
This Week’s Biggest Losers
1 Mayor Daley
More than 200 shootings in the month of July.
2 Niranjan Shah
The chairman of the University of Illinois Board of Trustees resigned amidst allegations that the board and politicians pressured the school to admit certain applicants.
3 Ella Orko
The 86-year-old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a North Side grocery store—her sixty-first arrest in all.
4 Aaron Poreda, Clayton Richard, Dexter Carter, Adam Russell
Nice knowing you, former White Sox pitchers, but Peavy was too good to pass up.
5 Barack Obama
Posters of the president have popped up in California featuring his face done up as Heath Ledger’s Joker and the word “Socialism” scrawled beneath.