This week’s biggest gainers:
1 Joel Quenneville
How long has it been since the Blackhawks won the division? So long that, the last time, stars Patrick Kane and Jonathan Toews were not yet old enough for the kindergarten team.
2 Haki Madhubuti
After getting the metaphorical middle finger in appreciation of your career as a civil-rights icon, major literary figure and long-term academic leader at Chicago State, an engraved plaque would have been nice by comparison.
3 Paul Konerko
A home run to lead off the Sox season? Now that’s what we call swinging for the contract-extension fences.
4 Forrest Claypool
Something tells us that if there’s ever a good time to be defying Boss Madigan and Boss Cullerton and running independently for Cook County assessor, this might be it.
5 Ian Schrager
Now that you own the Pump Room, will your Kup runneth over?
This week’s biggest losers:
1 Rod Blagojevich
You must be getting used to getting fired by follicly inferior blowhards by now.
2 Jon Burge
A new federal grand jury, now for perjury and obstruction of justice relating to the alleged police torture by your “Midnight Crew”? If the allegations prove true, you made Abu Ghraib seem like a country club.
3 Dr. Wayne Watson
Way to take charge at Chicago State, prez, by forcing out one of the few well-known profs you have. Too bad Kanye’s mom died, or you could have sacked her, too.
4 Joe Berrios
We guess you’ll have to see the Forrest before the (county assessor) fees.
5 Alex Brown
Your reward for a loyal, star-studded career with the Bears? An eyeful of (Julius) Peppers spray.