This week’s biggest gainers:
1 Natasha McShane
The city, and your Irish homeland, hold vigil for you, and your happiness cruelly clubbed by senseless Chicago violence.
2 Deb Mell
The problem with your stepping out for gay marriage is that you appear to be in a committed and contented long-term relationship. The straight mainstream can’t understand that kind of marriage.
3 Alfonso Soriano
That beating you just put on Arizona was just your way of punishing them for their new hate crime of a law, wasn’t it?
4 Glenn Tilton
Way to go, United CEO, showing some Continental flair in assembling the world’s largest airline for Chicago.
5 Luis Gutierrez
The only problem, Congressman, with your intentional arrest to protest Arizona’s new immigration law is that Arizona legislators apparently love to see a Latino in chains.
This week’s biggest losers:
1 Heriberto Viramontes and Marcy Cruz
If there were real justice, you’d be sentenced to batting practice at Wrigley Field—you’d be the ball—with an at-bat for every friend and family member of those two young women in Bucktown you allegedly attacked.
2 Dr. Bruce Sylvester Smith
Who knew? Apparently, the penis is not an approved gynecological instrument. Of course, sexual assault is just an allegation—even by seven different women.
3 Judge Thomas Gainer Jr.
You let officer John Ardelean off for no “probable cause”—apparently two dead young men don’t count—and reprimanded the whistleblower instead. Were you guys doing “water” shots in the chamber? C’mon, ‘fess up.
4 Scott Lee Cohen
Because someone needs to be the clown face of political comedy, since our ex-governor might soon be taking a long vacation.
5 Kevin Roy
Sorry to hear about your lost Channel 7 anchor gig for another no-show. We bet it is exhausting, all that pancake makeup and teleprompter reading. Not to mention all that effort figuring out how to invest all that mad money you get paid for such hard work.