This week’s biggest gainers:
1 Jake and Elwood Blues
Blues Brothers movie notches a noteworthy anniversary with a papal blessing. Rawhide!
2 Ozzie Guillen
Who is the man behind the curtain? Ken Williams threatens a shakeup and poof!, a 10-1 run.
3 Hank Mullany
Wal-Mart honcho buys a bunch of ads in Chicago, and now they’re getting stores, over union objections. Who says advertising doesn’t work?
4 Rambo the Dog
Sniffed out twenty-three pounds of opium at O’Hare in a single week and it wasn’t even all in the smuggler’s crotch.
5 Miguel del Valle
City Clerk scored an “I-told-you-so” when the parking stickers from a vendor he tried to block turned out defective and peeled off. Too bad he still has to replace them.
This week’s biggest losers:
1 Jon Burge
Those testimony tears brought water to our eyes, especially when you said you found your boat name “Vigilante” on a computer-generated list. We tried that and got “Knucklehead.”
2 Mark Kirk
We warned you about those resume-writing services, didn’t we?
3 Rod Blagojevich
Sure, a guilty verdict would be a drag, but a gag order? That’s capital punishment for you.
4 Jaime A. Jimenez
Chicago teacher busted for allegedly videotaping under a bathroom stall. Perhaps he was hoping to post on PooTube?
5 Irish Women
Better hide the brogue when in Bucktown-Wicker Park, after another violent crime against an Emerald Isle native.