This week’s biggest gainers:
1 Ozzie Guillen
His Sox closed a nine-and-a-half-game gap and seized first place at the All-Star break in a jarring juxtaposition to a certain North Side club that started just as hapless and decided to remain so.
2 Hugh Hefner
You want your Playboy back? And here we thought you were in a Viagra trance.
3 Carlos Boozer
Bulls consolation prize with a much better name.
4 Bob Sirott
Chicago’s last TV news star finally landed a worthy gig, as Channel 32’s 9pm co-anchor.
5 Paul Konerko
In the mysterious-ways department, the snubbed Sox slugger was made an All-Star anyway when Justin Morneau went down to injury.
This week’s biggest losers:
1 Jesse Jackson Jr.
We’re not sure what’s more embarassing: that your peeps proffered a cool fund-raising million to Blago for the Barack spot, allegedly, or that you didn’t even close the deal.
2 The Chicago Sports Media
Bet you can’t even look at all those sycophantic LeBron stories you splashed on page one last week, can you?
3 Dwyane Wade
Guess you don’t quite love your hometown and kids enough to live here, eh?
4 Stuart V. Goldberg
Flashy Chicago attorney almost signed on to represent Lindsay Lohan, before regaining his sanity and declining her case.
5 Jake Peavy
We’re bumming to lose you, but you’ll be bumming if the Sox run this hot streak all the way to the series, with your injury keeping you in civvies.