This week’s biggest gainers:
1 Bill Kurtis and Walter Jacobson
Channel 2 reunites seventies anchorman dream team. No word on when Faces disco to reopen.
2 Marty Turco
It’s your turn to mind the Antti farm, mister goalie.
3 Jeffrey Allen
The police sergeant became a hero of CrackBerry addicts everywhere when he sued for overtime based on his two-thumbed typing. No word on whether Solitaire hours are included.
4 Scott Waguespack
Alderman championed food trucks with an ordinance that seemed strangely progressive and so far graft-free.
5 Lovie Smith
Coach optimistic after Bears training camp opened with an undefeated team.
This week’s biggest losers:
1 Alexi Giannoulias
Another loan from the barnacle of Illinois Democrats, Tony Rezko, surfaced in the Broadway Bank books.
2 Antti Niemi
Exiled when the Blackhawks officially swapped their Stanley Cup champion caps for the salary cap.
3 Richard Daley
Introduced next year’s budget, code-named “Ugh.”
4 Carlos Zambrano
You’re sorry? (And not just about wasting a month in anger-management and the minor leagues?) Aww, hugs.
5 Daniel Hudson
Shucks kid. Sox fans hardly got to know you. (Psst: Who is he again?)