By Corey Hall
Greetings, Team Members!
As we begin this New Year, let us remember these new, six items of interest. As long as these Commandments—or friendly reminders, if you will—are abided by, you will, (most likely) be kept in our employ, so that you may continue being the middle man between us and your creditors.
One: As per our conversation, please refrain from gathering in throngs of two or more in areas not monitored by a security camera. While we have the utmost respect for all employees—whose ID numbers we can generate from our database at a moment’s notice—such gatherings just smell too much like team mutiny. If you must have a conversation with someone other than yourself, please conduct it within earshot of your most-recent Team Leader, and please avoid all jokes that may induce anything resembling laughter. Please practice only nuanced, non-offensive humor that, at best, raises eyebrows. You are encouraged to consult any NPR program for an example.
Two: We believe in you all; you are the best of breed! Should you ever decide to auction your talents to another company, we are sure that you would fetch only the highest price! Also, while we are of different ethnicities, we really belong to one race: the human race. So, even though everyone sits with their own demographic in the lunchroom—and one identical-looking group travels north, while the other travels south to and from work—we view that as mere coincidence.
Three: Please remember that—in the interest of full disclosure—every correspondence should be CC’ed between all you in the battlefield of work and us here in the house where policy is king. Furthermore, in the spirit of a unified group thinking as one, let us all consider CC to mean Common Core, the policy President Obama has implemented to integrate more non-educators into our nation’s classrooms and curricula.
Four: We believe in family first, so should an event in your life take you away from here—such as, say, a birth, passing, injury or illness—and prevent you from attending a team meeting, we kindly request that you download these information-sharing sessions the instant you are free. While we realize such events may happen, we do not believe that this is too much to ask you for the pleasure of working for us.
Five: We ask that your blood, your passion, be at the root of every endeavor you undertake. So if you see any strange, low-hanging fruit that needs to be picked, please pluck it! Failure is an option here… as long as it doesn’t happen more than once (LOL!).
Six: Please feel free to be proactive, as long as you have our permission and stay within all specifications. We would much rather see you cuffed to your desks instead of wandering around with your arms akimbo, worried about some daring discharge of employment, or thinking about anything other than your work here.
This concludes our list of the six substantive synergies for your enjoyment and survival.
Thanking you in advance for your acquiescence,